Well hi there (waves sheepishly) it’s been a while I know (scuffs feet on the floor). It’s been a whole month since I’ve written here. It wasn’t a planned or intentional break, I’ve just been, well, really busy. I know, I know, we’re not supposed to use the word “busy” but it’s true, I’ve been really freakin busy!
My year off work turned into me working two jobs from home as well as some other freelancing and project work. I got really busy and it all started to get a bit too much…Because I was working in social media I was on my phone a lot; first thing every morning, last thing every night and all throughout during the day. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, because I’m a perfectionist and a people pleaser, I do that. I was finding it really hard to switch off, especially at night. My panic attacks became more frequent and I know myself well enough by now to know that is my body’s way of saying “stop, slow down”.
Then last week, following a panic attack in an underground carpark in the city (wasn’t that fun!), my best friend gave me a few home truths (aren’t best friends good like that?) She said out loud what I knew deep down…I needed to stop. This year was supposed to be about me spending some quality time with our son before he starts school and it just wasn’t anymore. It was supposed to be the year that I was going to look after myself and my family and I’d busied myself with work and other things (again!) I’ve worked really hard for the past twelve years to earn my long service leave, yet it’s almost September and I have not spent one single day on the couch watching trashy tv or reading a book or napping like I had grand dreams that I would be doing on a regular basis during my year off. It’s like I’m completely incapable of just…being. I need to learn to just be.
And so, I made the really hard decision to let the work go. It was really hard because I knew I was letting people down and that made me feel (literally) sick (see point above about being a people pleaser!) And of course I immediately doubted my decision…people would kill to have these opportunities I know! But then the next morning I was snuggling in bed with my son and he asked “what are we doing today?” and I said “Absolutely nothing. Let’s stay in our pj’s all day.” He said “Do you have to do work today Mum?” and I said “No, no more work from home buddy.” He jumped up and said “Yay! No more work at home, just work at work?” and right then I knew I had made the right decision.
The hardest decisions are sometimes the right ones.