During my recent month long bloggy break I would often jot down my thoughts and other post ideas. Some days, the urge to just ‘write it out’ would become so strong that I would reach for my phone and type out a whole post in my notes. This is one of those posts. I deliberated about sharing it, because I’m in a different mind frame today than what I was that day. But then I decided it was important to share it, because it was how I was feeling on that particular day and I really need to acknowledge that. So here goes…
If you know me or have read this blog before you will probably know that I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for many, many years. It’s a part of my life that unfortunately I have come to accept. Most of the time I deal with it fine, I have lots of strategies and supportive people around me to help out. But sometimes, I just get a little sick of it all and right now is one of those times. You see, living with anxiety can be really exhausting. Constantly over thinking things, questioning myself, trying to predict and control everything; its exhausting. And so today, if it’s ok with you, I’m just going to have a little ranty rant about anxiety.
I’m very self aware. I know why I suffer from anxiety, I understand the triggers behind my panic attacks. I’ve researched and read books and joined forums and taken medication and sought counselling and delved into my childhood and all the major life events that have helped shape who I am today. Sure, I understand why it happens but it still doesn’t stop it from happening. I understand that I am not going to die from a panic attack but that doesn’t stop me feeling like I am. I understand that when I have a panic attack it is just my body going instinctively going into flight or fight mode; a thing us humans have been using since the dawn of time to protect ourselves. It helps to prepare our bodies physically to either stay and fight or run for our lives. But seriously, I’m not a bloody cave woman out hunting and being confronted by a lion; I’m just trying to do the shopping at my local supermarket!
I know many people think that having a mental illness is a sign of weakness, I feel that way sometimes too, but in reality the reverse is true; you have to be a super strong person to face anxiety everyday. Sometimes I get sick of having to be brave. Have I not already proven how brave I am? Have I not already proven that I’m stronger than you? That I will go out, go shopping, meet new people, jump on a plane, travel and go to new places in spite of you. Have I not faced you and stood up to you and beaten you a million times? So why oh why do you keep coming back…yes I know, it’s totally a rhetorical question. But how nice it would be to go to a new place or event without spending the whole day feeling sick and planning my exit strategy and then maybe cancelling last minute because it all gets too much.
And here’s the thing; I’m one of the lucky ones, I know I am. Because I still manage to function. I manage to hold down a job, look after our son, have a happy marriage, socialise with friends; I do all that in spite of my anxieties. I know others who can’t, I know others who are too scared to even leave their own house (I know because I’ve been there myself) and for that I say screw you anxiety. Just screw you.
If you suffer from anxiety can you relate? Do you sometimes just feel like saying a big ‘screw you’ to anxiety? Get it all out in the comments below…trust me, it’ll make you feel much better!