“I get worried when I don’t see you writing” That’s what my beautiful friend said to me last week. It’s been a few months since I last wrote here. It wasn’t planned, I didn’t ‘decide’ to take a break, it just happened. Life. I’ve been busy. With going back to work, the little man starting school, adjusting to new routines and getting back into the groove of old ones..it’s been busy.
Of course we all know that busyness is most often just an excuse. Because if something really means that much you will always make time for it. So the truth is, I just haven’t really felt like writing; ok that’s kind of a lie, I have felt like writing, just not here. I’ve written countless blog posts in my head; only to realise that I can’t really share them here. Why? Because some things just shouldn’t and don’t need to be shared here. And I didn’t want to be one of those people who is all cryptic and elusive and says things like ‘oh there’s so much going on but I just can’t tell you any of it’ because that’s just annoying right? And so I’ve chosen to not write anything at all… at least not here anyway. Because the real truth is I have been writing. I wrote a post that I felt I really needed to write and then gave it to a friend to read; she’ll probably be the only one who every reads it. And I’ve been writing little snippets of a book, two books in fact, on the notes in my phone whilst I sit beside my sons bed as he drifts off to sleep each night. I write everyday in my job; both of my jobs. And I wrote a letter to my son on his first day of school; because I want to remember it and I want him to remember it when he gets older but I don’t need to share that with the whole world; because that’s his story and I’ve always tried to be respectful of him and the older he gets, the more aware of it I become.
And so, perhaps if I’m honest, I’m struggling a little bit with what this space is now and what it will be. I’ve taken the pressure of myself to write here once a week, every week and I have to say that’s been a bit of a relief; there was no one holding me to that except myself. The pressure is off. But that’s not to say I don’t still want or need this space. My writing has always come in ebbs and flows, a little like my reading. Sometimes I will read every day, at every chance I can get, devouring several books in as many weeks. And then sometimes I can go for months, with a stack of books on my bedside table that haven’t been opened or even touched. It comes and goes and I’ve learnt that’s ok. Just like I’ve learnt that it’s ok if I don’t blog every week or if the bed doesn’t get made everyday or if we have takeaway on a weeknight…that’s just the reality of working mum life and that’s ok. It’s just where I’m at right now and I’m going with it, no pressure ‘to do’ and trying my best to remember my word for this year, ‘be’.
So yeah, I’m busy ‘being’ and for now that’s ok… Im ok. I hope you’re doing ok too.
’til next time….